I looked back to my past blog and almost a year had past. Do I feel better now? Yes! I have been making a conscious effort to keep my mind positive. Are there times when i feel a little down? Oh yes, of course, but that’s Ok. I tell myself as long as I realise it, and do my best to come out of it.
So, what did i do to make the change i want to see? What did i change in my mindset? For the past 2 months, What i did was,
- At work and in my personal life, I surround myself with positive people. At the same time, keep a distance and block out negative friends or colleagues or comments.
- I follow positive people and friends on social media. There are MANY people out there who love to spread positive quotes, words, sayings on Instagram / Facebook. It helps me to always feel inspired. If you love animals, babies or flowers why not follow some of the post regularly to feel happy?
- Exercise! exercise makes me feel good about myself. I like pushing personal boundaries to challenge myself. From I can’t, to I will try to I CAN!
So, I am proud and happy to say that officially today, I have signed up for the #SpartanSprintSingapore2016 which will be held on 7th May 216! OMG! I am jumping up and down and still can’t believe I actually have the nerve to do this. Its officially 9 weeks and 4 days away.
Mind you, I am an absolute no-fan of marathon, run, sprints…Any form of running. i have only really started exercising about 1.5 months back with easy weekly yoga, and started Step Aerobics Class once a week. Thats all! BUT i am very interested to challenge myself and i am sure if I set my mind and heart to it, I CAN DO IT! RIGHT????
BE the change you want to see! -Mahatma Gandhi
Having a good cry and talking it out with D, I felt so much better. I was saying i feel so tired in my life and having to accommodate with other people all the time. Accommodating my parents, my in-laws, my time with his and how I don’t feel like i have been doing things for myself. Even with the recent Japan trip, i do enjoy the trip, but somehow I didn’t feel free. From planning, booking and actual trip, I kept thinking if my friend is feeling happy on the trip, if she is feeling that she is doing enough, if she is bored, if i am being too demanding, if she is eating what she wants… endless things I was asking myself and making sure she is ok. I am actually feeling tired and broke down. Why is this happening when she is probably the easiest person to travel with? I might be trying too hard at everything.
I have been asking myself what changes do i want to see in my own life that would make me feel better about myself and feel more free?
Sy said to have patience and compassion for myself.
I am trying to make baby steps to make changes in my life. Rome was not built in a day. I decided to fill up my time more with things I like to do and also things that will make me feel good about myself.
I decided to try volunteering. I have never volunteered except to help out at LS. I am excited how this would pen out and not sure how things will go. 6 months is a commitment needed from most organisation.
My heart is skipping a little with excitement, which is good 🙂
I have been feeling lost and tired for a long long while. Even before I myself noticed it. Its a strange feeling that no one is tying you but yet you don’t feel free. You don’t feel like this is the life you want. You don’t feel like this is the life you should be leading or let alone meaningful.
Life had been good ever since I entered LS. I had a strong support network and I most importantly, there are teachers around me for me to learn from just from their behaviours and sayings. This lasted for a short 6 months but it must have been the happiest time of my entire life. My life was meaningful. With every teaching from the teachers, I feel clearer in life, I feel very fortunate. I feel grateful for the opportunity.
One day, my teacher suddenly past away. It was a devastating night. Funerals were held and everything went past in a daze. Things changed overnight. There is no longer a leader. There are different groups formed. Everyone had ideas of what the best for LS was. I thought things would be OK. I continued my journey and told myself that as long as i stand firm in the middle and not side with anyone, I would be fine. Apparently it was not the same anymore.
To cut the story short and also coming back to how I actually feel, this prolonged war between the 2 parties makes me feel tired. It had been 3 years. I feel really tired of pleasing both parties and especially when 1 party had left and the other keep telling you what to do but in my heart he was not a good leader. He is not the leader that would make me feel excited or make me feel that I can rest my heart with him or someone whom can trust or believe wholeheartedly in. It makes me feel really tired.
I am also feeling lost. Too much time on my hands and currently how I am spending it if I may spell out,
- Watching TV (Wasting time and watching too much drama series)
- Thinking (Thinking is good but only when done constructively, mine are all useless)
- Working (Working is fine as it brings food to our tables. But is there another way to spend 8 hours working, earning a wage and at the same time fulfilling? I need to give it a serious thought)
I am also feeling meaningless. Time is going past too fast and when I look back, I don’t feel accomplished. I feel like my time is not spent usefully. Everyone have 24 hours. No one is special on that. But what makes one apart from another? What makes one happy and one sad? What makes one person’s life meaningful and others not? I am searching for answers.
I am starting this blog not to have a space to vent my anger and frustration. But more to start a new life, and make changes to my current situation. I have came to a point where I feel a change is much needed or if not, i will not be able to survive. I will make steps but baby steps to make a change I very much need in my life. Life is short and I don’t want to waste any more of my life. I want to change externally and more importantly internally in my mind and heart. I want this blog to be my witness to witness my change.